Log in

Sun, Sep. 12th, 2010, 01:54 am
So, yeah.

This has been a good journal.

It has to much baggage that runs with it.

I think I'll be deleting it soon. This is my, bye and I love you. Some of you I've followed for a looooooong time. I've watched overcome amazing things and move on to beautiful transformations.

Thank you for letting me in.

Sun, Aug. 1st, 2010, 05:43 pm

Rainbow Sherbet: A song that speaks of love, and fear, and hope, and childhood. It speaks to me. I heard it first as something fun, only picking up the part about eating rainbow sherbet as a child and things being right with the world. Having truly seen the words, I connect with it on a much deeper level. I feel the closeness with another human that leaves me vulnerable and afraid. I feel the hope of living a life that seems to be constantly moving in the right direction. Those epic heroes that fight and fight and fight and are always moving, though they move through some of the darkest and loneliest of places at times, the keep moving and eventually wind up right where they're suppose to to make the world better. It may be hubris, but I feel like them at times. I feel like them now. I never knew what contentment was in childhood. My earliest memories (sometime between 18 months and 2 years (no really)) include knowing something was wrong. I couldn't quite place it, but I knew my life was off center, and I wasn't carefree because of it. I had moments of happiness, but they were over shadowed with contemplation about the world and how it worked and why my family was different from my friends, and why my parents were so sad. Well, my earliest memories of them would of been less than a year after their brutal divorce, and god knows I would of been in the same state as they were. Sad, angry, confused. It makes a whole lot of sense. May I just say they are idiots.

Sun, Jul. 18th, 2010, 08:37 pm
Step 1

Who cares to admit complete defeat? Practically no one, of course. Ever natural instinct cries out anginst the idea of personal powerlessness. It is truly awful to admit that, ciggarette in hand, we have warped our minds into such an obsession for destructive smoking that only an act of Providence can remove it from us.

No other kind of bankruptcy is like this one. Nicotine, now become the rapacious creditor, bleeds us of all selfsufficiency and all will to resist its demands. Once this stark fact is accepted, our bankruptcy as going human concerns is complete.

But upon entering A.A. we soon take quite another view of this absolute humailiation. We perceive that only through tutter defeat are we able to take our first steps toward liveration and strength. Our admissions of personal powerlessness finally turn out to be firm bedrock upon which happy and purposeful lives may be built.

We know that little good can come to any addict who joins A.A. unless she has first accepted her devastating weakness and all its consequences. Until she so humbles herself, her sobriety--if any--will be precarious. Of real happiness she will find none at all. Proved beyond doubt by an immense experience, this is one of the facts of A.A. life. The principle that we shall find no enduring strength until we first admit complete defeat is the main taproot from which our whole Society has sprung and flowered.

When first challenged to admit defeat, most of us revolted. We had approached A.A. expecting to be taught self-confidence. Then we had been told that so far as nicotine is concerned, self-confidence was no good whatever; in fact, it was a total liability. Our sponsors declared that we were the victims of a mental obsession so subtly powerful that no amount of human willpower could break it. There was, they said, no such thing as the personal conquest of this compulsion by the unaided will. Relentlessly deepening our dilemma, our sponsors pointed out our increasing sensitivity to nicotine--an allergy, they called it. The tyrant nicotine wielded a double-edged sword over us: first we were smitten by an insane urge that condemned us to go on smoking, and then by an allergy of the body that insured we would ultimately destroy ourselves in the process. Few indeed were those who, so assailed, had ever won through in singlehanded combat. It was a statistical fact that addicts almost never recovered on their own resources. And this had been true, apparently, ever since man first gathered tobacco leaves.

Wed, Apr. 14th, 2010, 10:42 pm
paint brush to canvas

I've centered my whole life around your every need
And I took you as you are, I never tried to change a thing
And I never once complained
'Cause I love you
And I waited here at home while you went out with all your friends
You had to have your space, I guess I didn't quite fit in
I was a little offbeat
And not on cue
Do you even see me standing here before you?
Do you even hear me or do I bore you?
Hey I really feel kind of stupid just trying to be everything to you
But it does no good, I could never be that cool, yeah
Have I ever told you how, I paint you in my mind?
But when I put the brush to canvas, I find you hard to recognize
'Cause you're looking straight at me,
Right in my eyes
And suddenly I feel me reaching trying to find the real you
And you smile and pacify me and happily I play the fool
Is there something I can get you?
It's what I do, yeah
Are you hungry? Are you thirsty? Are you empty?
Is it getting cold in here or is it just me?
Hey, I really feel kind of stupid just trying to be everything to you
But it does no good, I could never be that cool, yeah
And I am only now accepting I am human, I cannot be Superwoman
Oh, it's so easy to love you, but it's hard to be that cool, yeah.
Hard to be that cool Oh yeah yeah yeah it's hard to be that cool
I'm not Superwoman - don't know how to fly
I'm not Superwoman - I gave it my best try
I'm not Superwoman - someday I'm gonna die
What a life?
Hey, I really feel kind of stupid just trying to be everything to you
But it does no good, I could never be that cool, yeah
And I am only now accepting I am human, I cannot be Superwoman
Oh, it's so easy to love you, but it's hard to be that cool, yeah.
Hard to be that cool Oh yeah yeah yeah it's hard to be that cool.

Sat, Apr. 10th, 2010, 06:37 pm
Doctor, Alcoholic, Addict

"Perhaps the best thing of all for me is to remember that my serenity is inversely proportional to my expectations. The higher my expectations of... other people are, the lower is my serenity. I can watch my serenity level rise when I discard my expectations. But then my “rights” try to move in, and they too can force my serenity level down. I have to discard my “rights,” as well as my expectations, by asking myself, How important is it, really? How important is it compared to my serenity, my emotional sobriety? And when I place more value on my serenity and sobriety than on anything else, I can maintain them at a higher level — at least for the time being."

Mon, Apr. 5th, 2010, 08:31 pm

What do you do when you acomplish you're life's meaning?

"Great people sometimes don't see their greatness. And that it's good to share your perspective of their greatness... You remind me of the reason why we're all here. To love, to teach and to enjoy each other. Thank you for that."

Mon, Mar. 29th, 2010, 12:58 am

You pain hurts a part of my soul that I had forgotten was there. I spent a long time going through journal entries from so long ago. I recognize why you distrust me, and that it's nothing less than what I deserve. I guess I just had realized how I still love you. It's true. It never dies. When I found out how your relationship had progressed I found myself deeply discontented, not because you'd fallen in love (with a man) but because he'd so hurt you in a way that I feel is the same or worse than I'd hurt you. It doesn't seem fair. You deserve better than what you've gotten from those you've given your heart away to. I still judge myself against my preconceived notion of your standard. I think I've finally gotten to point that I feel is good enough. I feel myself. I believe that I am me and that my essence is beneficial to those around me. I affect people, in good ways. I do it out my nature, not for any selfish reason, not because I'm thinking about it, but automatically. I have grown into my own skin. I wish, so much that you have too. I hear that you are, and that you're becoming yourself. I was so overjoyed by that, you have no idea. I wish I could watch it, from a much closer stand point. I can't. I've accepted that. It hurts. I had forgotten how much it hurts. I've earned the distrust that those two women I hold so dear give me. You and she, changed me so much. Continue to. She is, possibly, letting me earn her trust again. I don't blame you if you never trust me again, never trust anyone again. I distrust people with my heart as well. What goes around comes around, right? I recently wrote a paper on that very distrust I have in people. I found myself not wanting B to know that she still affects me so. It's not her so much as the actions that she took. M told me today, "hurt as much as you need to and then stop" and I knew that I am... so over... hurting. I'm done. Yet, how do I stop that which I have no control over? I let go of this and that comes to the forefront. There's so much pain in the world, so much beauty too. Even the beauty makes me hurt. (emo) I was so content just a few short weeks ago. *The train is late tonight* I'm sitting under my tree, with a full moon gazing down upon me and the small blossoms are in start contrast, I'm warm and cold in the right places. I have so much love in my life. The meaning of all of this is so perfect in it's awe inspiring completeness, and a small part of me weeps. I try to do better each day as part of my living amends to you. I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell you or show you. If you'll ever forgive me for what I did. If you can take some peace from what I do. I just wish you could understand... and know that it's for you. I gave you a card once, that so perfectly summed up my understanding of life's meaning, and I think of that card every day. Every day I try to live up to that card. Find yourself. Be free.

Love is action, and sometimes that means inaction. So here is my inaction. Here is my telling you, without you ever needing be in conflict. I pray you find it when you need to, not when I need you to.

Fri, Jan. 29th, 2010, 10:55 am

Im afraid. I don't normally fear the truth, but I do today.

Thu, Dec. 24th, 2009, 03:01 pm

It's not that I want a relationship he's incapable of having. It's that I want a relationship he's incapable of having when he's with someone.

Tue, Nov. 10th, 2009, 09:23 pm
Don't fuck with me. I was a missinary.

To the Einsteins customer that brought to our attention just how overpriced our coffee truly is. I want to start by saying thank you. It's true, it is rather expensive. As to the rest of your note, I have found a few discrepancies.

Let's start with the word "perpetuate"; "to make perpetual or cause to last indefinitely". I just want to mention here that there is a door and you are welcome to leave at any time so there is really no way to cause our "verbage" (which isn't even a word I might add) to last indefinitely. Although I do like the phrase "homosexual verbage" I'm going to start using it, so there's another thank you.

Moving along, "proven fact" I need references.

"Here's one for you"

"'the birds and the bees' generally meant only one thing—sex between a male and female. But, actually, some same-sex birds do do it. So do beetles, sheep, fruit bats, dolphins, and orangutans. Zoologists are discovering that homosexual and bisexual activity is not unknown within the animal kingdom."

"'Homosexuality has been observed in more than 1,500 species, and the phenomenon has been well described for 500 of them,' said Petter Bockman, project coordinator of the exhibition."

"Mann said. 'There are different theories about why people find it threatening. Some think it disrupts male bonds, like you're not playing for the right team. The funny thing is that people say homosexuality is unnatural, that non-humans don't engage in homosexual behavior, but that's not true. Then they'll say it's base and animalistic.'"

"Considered the closest living relative to humans, bonobos are not shy about seeking sexual pleasure. Nearly all of these peace-loving apes are bisexual and often resolve conflict by the "make love, not war" principle. They copulate frequently, scream out in delight while doing so, and often engage in homosexual activities."
http://www.livescience.com/bestimg/index.php?url=&cat=gayanimals (I couldn't resist this one)

"So, when one pair of heterosexual Humboldt’s penguins adamantly refused to incubate their egg the keepers turned in despair to Z and Vielpunkt, two gay males in a relationship and with an obvious hankering for adoption. The egg has now successfully hatched and the pair is looking after the chick as if it were their own. Oblivious to the raging debate around gay humans and adoption they seem to be doing a very good job so far. Gay (or homosexual if you prefer the technical term) behavior in the animal kingdom is more common than many think or choose to believe."

Ok, so it was five, I'm sorry. Although two came from the same website, so we could really group those into one and say "Here's four for you."

Moving right along; well, I just re-read your next statement and it makes no sense. I mean really, the very text is just wrong. You're complaining about how we are talking about homosexuality and how it exists in humans, and yet your next statement is that only dogs "will lay down the same sex." It's true that they are on the list of animals that will lay down with the same sex, but so are about 500 others that have been well documented.
A few include:
01. Baboon
02. Barn owl
03. Bear (including black, grizzly, koala, and polar)
04. Bighorn sheep
05. Bonobo (a primate)
06. Brown rat
07. Caribou
08. Cat (domestic)
09. Cheetah
10. Chicken
11. Chimpanzee
12. Cockroach
13. Deer (several types)
14. Desert tortoise
15. Dog (domestic)
16. Dolphin (several types)
17. Dragonfly
18. Duck (several types)
19. Elephant (African and Asiatic)
20. Emu 21. Flamingo
22. Gazelle 2
3. Giraffe
24. Goat
25. Gorilla
26. Gray squirrel
27. Guinea pig
28. Hamster
29. Herring gull
30. Horse
31. Housefly
32. Hummingbird (several types)
33. Indian rhinoceros
34. Lion
35. Lizard
36. Mallard duck
37. Monarch butterfly
38. Moose
39. Mountain zebra
40. Octopus
41. Orangutan
42. Ostrich
43. Penguin (several types)
44. Pig
45. Porcupine
46. Rabbit
47. Raccoon
48. Rattlesnake
49. Raven
50. Salmon
51. Sand shark
52. Sea otter
53. Seagull
54. Sheep
55. Swan (several types)
56. Tasmanian devil
57. Turkey
58. Vampire bat
59. Walrus
60. Warthog
61. Water buffalo
62. Whale (several types)
63. Wolf

Alright, I'm bored. I didn't even get to any insects, but they're there too.

Let's see, "have sex in public", well, yes I've done that, but then so have a lot of straight people. We're generally seen as deviants, but it has nothing to do with orientation, or dog like nature. It has to do with the thrill of getting caught because you're with in 20 feet of a Williamson County sheriffs "cop shop" as we called them. But, as to the rest of this sentence, you'll have to explain yourself, what does, "and are only out to get a nut' mean? You mean, they are only out to ejaculate/cum. Really, if I had to think about what most people on the planet are doing when they have sex is to orgasm, but science, here at our very own University of Texas says otherwise. http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/07/070731094119.htm

Well, your next... um, sentence(?) is just ridiculous. You have bad punctuation and grammar. Also, logic, as described by philosophers dating back to Socrates, who was around about 400 years before Jesus, says you're wrong. While our coffee is a bit overpriced, I really don't think it's overrated. You're thinking of Starbucks across the street.

Oh and for those who want to know what Deuteronomy 6:4 says; "Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one!" I don't understand why that was quoted at us, but whatever.

Here's one for you:

God gets jealous
(Exodus 20:4-5, "You shall not make for yourself a carved image-any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate me,")
God loves me (or the whole wide world)
(you know which it is... John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.")
Love is a lot of things
(1 Corinthians 13:4-7, "Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy (also known as jealous); love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.")

So are we to assume that the Old Testament God and the New Testament God are, well, different? If so, it makes this so much easier. God is love, right, and we know what love is now, right? I don't know, maybe you're not a "Christian", in which case I'm even more confused. Either way it doesn't matter. We don't ask anything of you, please do not judge us (John 3:17). Thank you.

Terra Byrne
I do sign!

The note:
Staff of Einsteins
You perpetuate your homosexual verbage so early in my morning.
Here's one for you
its is a proven fact that dogs are the only animal that will lay down with the same sex.
And they have sex in public and are only out to get a nut.
Homosexual would be in the same category. as the animal called dog. There put that in your
highly overrated and
overpriced coffee.
Deut. 6:4

10 most recent